What do you know about Grief
Until you Walk Alongside its Shadow
Lost in a world of Disbelief
Of what was Once in my Reach
Disappeared Far into the Gallows
His Sweet Voice,
His Pure Love,
Lives On in Memory’s Meadows
As long as there is breath in these lungs
He Shall remain Alive
Deep within the Heart’s Hollows
5 AM
I lay with myself
Alone and Content.
Morning’s stillness brings anew
the inspiration to surge,
the hunger to strive,
the power to conquer.
All to be Lost when the world
Comes Alive…. @krish.fitnessreelz
Self- Care
You Don’t have to be a
Tea Drinking
Meditating
Vegan only
Downward Dog Posing Yogi
To Practice Self-Care
Just Put your Feet Up and
Breathe Out…
Liberated
With each passing year, I gain a wrinkle in my brow
And a dimple in my cheek.
With each passing year, I gain an ounce more courage
to tread the path I seek,
To chase the dreams I dream.
With each passing year, I liberate myself
Slowly unpacking the years of guilt and self-doubt,
Releasing the shackles of tradition, the burdens of the weak.
I am no longer bound
these years have brought with them cursed age, yet
Also something so sweet,
Of all the struggle I sowed in my youth,
At last,
Freedom
I Reap. @krish.fitnessreelz
New Year resolutions come to mind as soon as we begin the first of January of any given year. What are some of your resolutions this year? Most of us begin with improvements in our physical self, such as lose weight, join a gym, eat healthy etc. Others focus on the relationships in our lives and make resolutions to visit our parents more, or spend more quality time with our spouse or children. We also think about other areas in our life that may require change or improvement such as redecorating the living room. Whatever our New Year resolution may be, the idea behind it is always to somehow bring about a positive change in our being or in our life.
For many of us, our resolutions only last till February before our old habits and excuses take over and bring us back to where we started. So, how can we make our resolutions long lasting and more permanent? First, we have to EMPOWER ourselves. A resolution after all is a kind of self-commitment or self-empowerment towards change or a goal. Once we have empowered ourselves with a resolution or a commitment then we need to act in accordance to fulfill it. The first step whether it’s joining the gym or signing up as a volunteer, or setting aside time for date night with your spouse is to do just that. The first step is usually easy because we have a fresh sense of a new beginning. However, maintaining our enthusiasm is much harder.
The second step, therefore, is continuing our commitment to whatever it is that we want to improve or change in our lives. The second step is to therefore, PERSEVERE. Perseverance is a quality that requires discipline, stamina and focus. The easiest way to ensure that we continue to stay focused on our resolution is to enlist a friend or loved one in joining us in our journey. It helps me stay committed when a friend texts me to say that she’s going to the gym, especially when I’m too lazy to go. It helps to have a spouse also invested in date night by sharing who makes the plans each week. Whatever your resolution may be, it helps to have another to share it with you, or at least tell someone about your resolution so that they may encourage you when you lose focus.
Lastly, REMEMBER why you made this resolution in the first place. Your original resolution was important to you and that is why you made a concerted effort to make the changes you have begun. We all face challenges in our journey to change, but don’t get caught up in the difficult path, but rather remember your goal and the commitment you made to yourself. As you become closer to fulfilling your resolutions you not only have accomplished your goals, but have learned empowerment, perseverance, and now know and will remember that you can achieve anything any day of the year.
Answers worth knowing to questions worth asking are never short and never instant. This column is dedicated to discussing topics that explore abstract questions on humanity, life, the universe, and spirituality.
Are you Content?
Do you dream of a better job, a bigger house, a fancier car, a thinner or more muscular body, better looks, a life different than your own? I guess we all do want something other than what we have, or to be something other than we are, or to perhaps look like something other than ourselves. The saying “the grass is always greener on the other side,” is more relevant to the human condition now than ever before in the history of mankind. So what do my questions have to do with the title of this article?
The definition of the word contentment as described by dictionary.com is the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind. Are we as a community content? Probably not. Most of us probably answered yes to at least one of my questions in the first paragraph, and many of us could identify with being “discontent or dissatisfied” with something in our lives. Indeed, the role of technology with the surge of social media paired with a materialistic society in a fast paced urban world has contributed to our society valuing instant gratification more than deliberate contemplation. So we can blame technology, media, and the modern world but we know these are not the only causes of our discontent.
The million dollar question, however, is why are we not content, and what can we do to become content with ourselves and our lives? Most of us confuse contentment with happiness. Interestingly enough, the definition of contentment does not describe it as happiness. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, whereas contentment refers to a more stable state of being. Perhaps, the first step towards contentment is to stop expecting happiness. The second step is to contemplate slowly and thoughtfully on why we are not satisfied with the state of our lives. What are we not cultivating in ourselves to bring us to a state where we can be at peace with ourselves aka content? We have a physical self, a mental self, an emotional self, and arguably a spiritual self which I will discuss in the next series as directly impacting contentment.
We concluded the 2nd part of the series by noting how our physical, mental and emotional selves impact contentment. Many of us cultivate our physical selves by going to the gym, or playing a sport. We also feed our mental capacity by working in a job, reading, playing chess, exercising our mind in some intellectual fashion. Our emotional selves can sometimes work overtime with all the relationships we build in life such as our marital partners; children; family members; friends; and coworkers. Lastly, our spiritual selves need nurturing through mediation, or practice of selflessness through charity work, or devotion and prayer, or through mindful and truthful living.
Unfortunately, the western modern world treats spirituality as a non-existent part of the self, and it therefore holds no value in our families and communities. There is no discussion or practice of spirituality in the lives of most people. In fact, spirituality is equated with institutionalized religion which today’s world has criticized at best as being a hypocritical myth that early humans made up in order to explain what science lacked at the time; a story told to give them something to believe in. Cynics and critics argue that this so called “fabrication” of early humans to explain the larger questions in life whether in the form of God or religion, or spirituality is what filled the void in their lives by giving them a higher purpose. According to them, spirituality and religion is a falsehood. But could spirituality not have real truth to it? Where are the proofs in life that show that we suffer from discontentment when we ignore the natural spiritual state within us? Perhaps, the absence of spirituality in our lives is the cause of the void within us, and therefore the root of our discontent and dissatisfaction. Science today claims that the practice of meditation releases chemicals in the brain that reduce stress and increase a feeling of well being. Research has shown that Cancer patients who meditate before chemotherapy experience a more positive result as well as no nausea and other complications. Studies on people who suffer from depression show that meditation and prayer have shown as much improvement in patients as anti-depressants. How can meditative practice yield such powerful effects if spirituality was not an integral part of the human condition?
Spirituality is undeniably a part of ourselves equally as important as our other more tangible parts. So what can we do to feed our starving spirits especially if we are not religious, and don’t have a clue on how to meditate? There are very simple and small things we can do in our day to get started on filling this void within us. For example, (1) as soon as you wake up in the morning and open your eyes do not pick up your phone, or get out of bed. Spend one minute being thankful that you are alive and well this morning. If you’re partner is in bed with you, glance over at them and be thankful that they are alive and well. If you have children in your home or other loved ones feel gratitude in your mind that they are waking this morning as well and all is as it should be. Try not to rush through these thoughts, but rather relish the feeling of gratitude of having yourself and those you love here to share another day with you. The (2) second thing we can do to feel more whole is to be kind to others. A small gesture of kindness to a stranger can go a long way like letting someone cut you in line, or offer your seat on the train or bus, or to help someone with bags in their hands by holding the door for them. Thirdly, (3) Give a genuine compliment or praise to someone who you might be in competition with as a sign of your humility and strength rather than weakness. This practice will help you let go of the negativity built inside of you towards others. Another way to nurture your spirituality in daily life is to (4) pray or wish something good and positive for another person that you know who may be struggling or suffering. By wishing well upon others you don’t lose anything, but rather gain compassion. And at the end of the day, before you sleep (5) think of at least 2 things that you can be thankful for in your day. Big or small, gratitude is the key to contentment.
After a week of this practice, begin to contemplate on how thinking about others before yourself, and being more thankful, giving, and compassionate makes you feel. Experience how quiet contemplation and selflessness begin to alter your state of being. Now, when you hear others speak of their discontent, you may feel disconnected to their situation due to the state of your own contentment, and perhaps even smile quietly and knowingly at their oblivion. Awareness of the spiritual void within us and the practice towards cultivating a strong sense of an enlightened self is the path to contentment. It is not easy, and most definitely not quick, but nothing worth being is ever so.
Tis the Season for Giving and Taking.
When December rolls around holiday shopping and the gift giving and taking season reaches a yearly all time high. Indeed a joyful time of the year where we as a community get together to celebrate wonderful holidays.
However, is this season only about making sure gift lists for family and friends are checked off? Are our only plans office and holiday parties? How many of us really stop to contemplate in our frenzy of giving and taking what it means to give and to take? True giving means giving with nothing expected in return. Giving comes from one’s conscience deep down inside. It stems from the sheer desire to experience fulfillment and happiness and love from giving to others. True giving is self-less and humble in every way, and it does not announce its merits for fame and appreciation. Think of anonymous donors- they are true givers because they don’t want credit from others for their benevolence.
Who are takers? We are all takers. I love receiving gifts as much as you do. But where should we draw the line between taking and greed? Greed is a hidden monster that is unleashed during this season of consumerism. Gluttony can be a characteristic of greedy takers, and it doesn’t have to be limited to food. Our appetites for more things can be endless. The only person we can think of is ourselves. Sometimes I have to stop myself and think, how many dresses and shoes does a woman need? To the point, that buying things becomes an addiction where many cannot suppress their desire to buy and hoard.
Ask yourself are you a true giver or taker this season? It is up to us to make this season a season of true giving. There are many simple ways to give. For instance, any clothes or shoes in your closet that haven’t been worn in a year, donate them. For every new item of clothing or shoes bought, replace it by donating something owned. Another way is to involve your children in giving- they learn from you. Perhaps, money saved by abstaining from one night of holiday entertaining can go a long way in helping people in need. Maybe your next holiday party will raise money for your charity of choice? Maybe donating money is not your way, and going to shelters and helping at soup kitchens is what you prefer? Go for it. Giving is a wonderful way of celebrating the season whether it’s with money or time.
Be honest with yourself. Does giving come from a place where you are trying to make yourself look better for others rather than about the people you are helping? We are all human and therefore our ability to improve ourselves from the inside out continues as we grow, but it takes work. Giving will bring you more contentment than taking and receiving ever will. Let’s try our best to truly give, and why stop at the end of the season? Let’s try to make giving a part of our lives all year round.
How do we achieve the fine balance that exists between work and all the responsibilities that accompany the home? How can we experience the delicate balance between mind and body? Balance is supposed to be the natural state of our body and our world. Then why is it so hard to stay balanced? And what is the medicine or method that will bring us back to balance?
The human body has the incredible ability to repair and heal itself given the right circumstances. All we have to do to self-heal is to remove the sources of disease, namely stress and toxins. Easier said than done. A stressor can be anything that makes us anxious, upset, or worried. Tension whether its from our job or the people in our life is a common stressor that we have all experienced. These stressors and our mental and emotional responses triggered by stress manifest into our physical bodies through pain, sickness, and in prolonged cases diseases such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and even cancer.
Like stress, toxins have the same harmful effect on the body and mind. Toxins can be in the form of food as well as pollution. Maintaining a generally healthy diet consisting of whole foods containing essential vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants help to keep the body strong and resistant to external toxins. It sounds simple right? Avoid processed foods containing large amounts of sugar, salt and hydrogenated fats. Exercise to relieve stress, and sleep by 10pm to assure that the body receives adequate rest. Are you laughing or rolling your eyes yet?
These tips sound good on paper, but we all know that life and how we deal with challenges and obstacles is never so simple. Like many of you, I often find myself overwhelmed and worn out at times trying to juggle everything from work to kids, and there never seems enough time to relax. The realistic approach may not be the perfect one, but it seems that de-toxifying or de-stressing ourselves altogether may be impossible in the hectic world we live in, but even small changes can have positively lasting effects.
Let’s begin our journey to balancing ourselves by taking small baby steps. For example, if you’re juggling multiple things and feeling overwhelmed, the simplest thing to do is to really drop one ball. Drop one thing- not indefinitely, but temporarily. This way, the things that take priority won’t tire you out as much. Schedule time for yourself. It is really the only way you will ever have time for yourself, if you make an appointment and know you can’t back out- go get that massage or whatever it is that relaxes you. Our diets can’t always be perfect, so it’s okay to give in to our cravings and indulge, but just try to make it twice a week rather than everyday. The rest of the week try your best to eat as healthy as possible, and drink lots of water. Don’t stress! I know it’s easy for me to say, but very difficult to do. A friend told me once that it’s okay to worry about things a little, but turn the dial down a little especially if it’s not a life-death situation. We tend to over stress about things, and sometimes make little worries big ones. I thought that was great advice on how to put problems into perspective, and perhaps decrease our stress if not remove it altogether.
Until the mind is relaxed, the body cannot rest. This mind body connection is delicate, but with continued self-care and awareness and avoidance of triggers that cause stress, we are able to achieve balance. A balanced mind and body is the source of positive energy, and this positivity flows into our world. I don’t know if our world, plagued with pollution and disease can ever be balanced, but we can begin with ourselves, one by one.
Cycles
The cyclical nature of the universe is apparent in the everyday cycles of the world around us. Water recycles itself through rain, condensation, and evaporation etc. The seasons bring about life in the spring only to die again in the winter. The sun rises and sets each day, and everything that decays turns into the soil of the earth. There is great beauty but also profound truth in these patterns and cycles.
A similar pattern of nature is also evident in our lives. Like the seed of a tree we are also a small seed in our mother’s womb; and then branch out into youth; and bear our children the way the tree bears fruit and flowers. Autumn brings the change of colors and the loss of leaves, like old age. Everything that is born, eventually dies. The cycle of life is not new to us. Loss is something all of us experience at some point in our life. Whether it is the loss of a loved one, or of something that we treasure, loss is a part of our humanity. The sorrow and difficulties that loss may bring in our lives is not my focus, but rather the nature of loss.
Without death, there is no renewal of life. Having experienced loss of different kinds, I have been searching for reasons. Why? Why do we lose people we love, and things that matter to us? I don’t have an answer to this question that many of us ask. All I can be certain of is that it fits into the natural workings of the universe. Perhaps, the universe is giving us a sign for change. Change brings growth, as well as acceptance of the nature of the universe which infinitely unravels itself in its cycles and patterns. The next time, you notice something in nature, think about how it’s a tiny iota of something infinitely larger, and how you fit perfectly in it’s flow.
There are thousands of books and movies about love between a man and a woman. However, there is less discussion on a very important kind of love often overlooked; love of yourself. Ask yourself right now, “What does loving yourself mean and how is it connected to boosting your self-confidence? How would confidence and acceptance improve our community? Self-acceptance and self-love is what gives birth to self-confidence and self-esteem, and makes for a stronger community.
It’s automatic to assume that love is between people and other people, places, animals, and things. “Love yourself”, and “self-love” are terms that we might hear from a therapist or in a yoga class, and most people regard it to be of the selfish kind. Self-love is not about thinking you’re the best and putting yourself before others.
Self-love is more about self-acceptance which then boosts self-esteem. Many men and women suffer from low confidence and self-esteem because they lack self-love. How are the two connected? Well, self-acceptance is of two sorts for the sake of this discussion. Firstly, we can either be accepting of who we are or not. Different aspects of our lives such as our heritage, appearance, social and economic strata are all part of who we are and how we see ourselves. Therefore, it’s safe to assume that those who take pride in who they are and have a more accepting attitude towards themselves as a whole are as a result also more confident about who they are.
Secondly, having the courage to share and stand by our principles, beliefs and opinions are another example of self-acceptance. Many of us who are more concerned by what others may think of our ideas/beliefs are looking for approval and acceptance by others rather than from ourselves. I can say from experience, that expecting approval from others is a sure path to unhappiness and self-doubt.
We often teach our children to believe in themselves. What does that really mean? Be accepting of yourself and of your beliefs in the face of doubt and disagreement. This practice of self-love needs to be cultivated from a very early age, and within our homes and schools supported by friends and community.
Our society is full of people who are judgemental, critical and full of self-loathing, and often their negativity towards others actually stem from the negativity they feel about themselves. Therefore, self-acceptance is the seed to planting the tree of tolerance and acceptance for others. In a community where people are accepting and confident with themselves, they are more likely to be open and accepting of others. Let’s encourage self-love, that will eventually lead to love for others.
Mind Series, Part III- Be here, be here now, and experience your true limitless nature
In the last series, we discussed how meditative practice is one method of quieting the overactive mind that often negatively impacts our physical health. In this article, we will further examine how to utilize the 3rd eye perspective in various situations. For example, people who suffer from paranoia are plagued with thoughts of how others are slandering them behind their backs. When such negative thoughts arise, gradual self-awareness will enable them to step aside from these thoughts and realize that the mind is playing tricks on them. There is no evidence of actual slandering, but rather it is the habit of the mind in making one think negatively. Therefore, without real cause or reason for the paranoia, the mind creates its own reasons in the mind to make one feel paranoid. If a person can consciously recognize the mind plotting against them then and only then can they separate themselves from the emotional drama that results from the paranoia and anxiety orchestrated by their mind. Like this, many mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and phobias may be alleviated by tapping into the higher consciousness that we all possess.
The human race could cure themselves of every mental illness and perhaps physical illnesses that result from mental stress if they could loosen the tight hold that the mind has over them. After all, all physical action is rooted in a mental action, and likewise mental imbalance causes physical problems. Meditate, shut your thoughts, and think nothing. Embrace the warmth of the sun, and the movement of the wind, and let their sensation be felt on your skin, and just experience, don’t think. Don’t analyze. Let what happened, and what will happen, let them go. Practice distancing yourself from the mind on a daily basis. Start by a few seconds, then a few minutes and so on. You will begin to become in sync with the vibrations of the universe. Your experience of life won’t be limited to the thoughts in your brain, but rather a far more encompassing and enriching experience of being. Be here, be here now, and experience your true limitless nature.
Mind Series Part II- Just be, Don’t Think
The previous article discussed the role of the overactive mind and how humanity is within its psychological grip. Meaning, we overthink everything; we manipulate and over analyze to the point where a fragment of our imagination (our thoughts) become the center of our reality. Many people imagine someone is thinking or saying something negative about them; the birth of paranoia. People imagine so much more than what is real. We dream with our eyes open and find comfort living in the imaginative mind because it gives us what our ego wants and needs to feel better about itself. Regardless of what negative or positive thoughts the mind imagines is happening, it becomes real for the mind because we let it.
In order to become more aware of your being in the present moment, the first step is to acknowledge how much and how often you are lost in thought in a day.
What do you think about when your mind goes on autopilot, and you don’t even realize that you’re not in the present moment but lost in thought?
Do those thoughts conjure emotions?
Do you feel stressed or happy by those thoughts and emotions?
How do these thoughts have a physical impact on you?
Will you live your whole life in your mind, or here on earth in the present moment?
Your answers to these questions will help bring awareness to daily situations where you will be able to step back from your thoughts and just observe the workings of your mind and its physiological impact on your mood, behavior and overall health.
Just be, don’t think. One answer to liberating ourselves from the trappings of the overactive mind is to meditative practice. Mediation is tried and tested for thousands of years by yogis, monks, and other spiritual people for centuries. The first step, however, is to fully embrace the concept of the mind as a separate entity to the true infinite self. Our true infinite self is limitless and boundless in its connection to the universe. Well, our mind and body is obviously not limitless. However, it is our strong identification with our minds that prevents us from experiencing the limitless capacity that we have. For example, we believe that we are only the thoughts and emotions we have and we ignore our instincts to just simply exist. Therefore, this mentality disconnects us from the flow of the greater and limitless universe. Looking at the mind through another lense such as the yogis do through what is known as the 3rd eye, they can examine the workings of the mind from the perspective of an outsider looking in. With this 3rd eye practice of removing oneself from your own thoughts and emotions, one can liberate themselves from the trappings of constant thoughts and emotions, and the havoc they reap on our physical body and life.
Part I- The Mind as Separate to Self
You may have heard the expression, “ your mind is playing tricks on you,” or “it’s all in your head.” These expressions are just another way of saying that your mind has imagined it, and whatever it is doesn’t really exist outside of your mind. The human mind is a great orchestrator of reality as well as imagination. In my last article, I discussed how quieting the mind and relishing the present moment is one of the greatest human achievements, as well as the only true experience of bliss. However, the creativity and ingenuity of the overactive mind, and how it empowers the whole human race needs further examination.
The mind is essentially comprised of thought processes, emotions, and psychological phenomenon. In western philosophy, the mind is considered to be identified with self, unlike eastern philosophy where the mind is believed to be separate from one’s body, but also from self. Therefore, eastern thinking is rooted in the concept that our mind is not who we are. For example, our thoughts and emotions do not define us. In theory, yes, our true sense of self is beyond the realms of psychology, and belongs to the realm of universal truth and infinite existence. However, in practice, we are bound even imprisoned by the workings of our mind. Every second of every given day, most of us are thinking without end. We are thinking of what has happened in the past, or thinking about what may happen in the future, and others are thinking and analyzing questions of why, who, and what that they will never have exact answers for. We are so accustomed to non-stop thinking that we don’t know how to stop even if we tried.
Why should we stop thinking? Some of the mind’s many purposes is to help us survive by deciphering the external world through our senses. In order to make sense of things we use logic and reasoning, and it is this intelligence that has allowed the human species to progress further than any other on the planet. The only problem is that our intelligence is backfiring on us. We are over using our intelligence and have completely abandoned our instincts. Resulting in psychological problems which are at an all time high amongst adults as well as children. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, anorexia are all diseases of the mind. Our minds rule us, we do not rule our minds, and therefore we allow its negative manifestations to affect our lives. Prescription and recreational drugs have become the answer to many who want to escape the agony caused by their minds, and these drugs help them either numb their senses or temporarily forget their pain. Drugs and alcohol are an epidemic in our society, but the overactive mind is the main cause of their use.
How do we liberate ourselves from the power of the mind and its psychological grip?
Who do you think you are?
If you were asked the question, “who are you?” Most of us would answer by giving our name, and our profession, or perhaps describe ourselves physically. But, is that all we really are? Am I only Krishma Arora? Woman; wife; mother; teacher; Indian, Sikh, a resident of Upper Brookville, an American?
I am not my name or anything that identifies me to society. I could’ve been born a man or animal for instance in a completely different country or religion, and raised by wolves for all that matters. The point is that “I” cannot be defined by the experiences of my life because then it would be susceptible to my changing circumstances and the world. The “I” being discussed is not the conglomerate of situations that a person experiences, and that somehow defines their existence. I’m talking about a much more higher level of the “I” which is beyond the ego.
“I” am not a sum of my physical or mental parts. So, I the physical body of a woman in her thirties who is 5’9 does not define who I am. My body is only the vessel that allows “me or the I” to have physical function in the world.
Years ago, in a debate with our Philosophy Professor at NYU about the mind and the brain and if they were one and the same? I argued that “I” could not possibly only be my brain, because “I” had the power to trick myself. Furthermore, I could observe the mind at work. So, “I” could not be my mind, and therefore, the brain, in my opinion could not logically be the mind nor define who “I” am. So, if I am not my mind, and or brain, and I am not this physical body that the “I” travels in, then who am I after all, the soul?
Some people deny the existence of the soul, but I specifically define it as the essence of our existence. It is that part of us that makes us alive. Yogi’s have often described the third eye as the seer of oneself. It is that third eye of which I am speaking. “I” is precisely the observer of all the other parts mental and physical that I described. “I” actually has no attributes at all. “I” is the eternal consciousness that is within each of us. The “I” can be equated with the eternal universal force infinite and unchanging from which our “aliveness” stems from. What is missing from the dead’s body if their organs can be revived elsewhere? It is the “I” that is missing. “I” is what makes us all one and equal. That is who “I” am. An iota of the universal, eternal consciousness.
Live Outside the Box
The phrase “think outside the box,” comes to mind when we want to solve a problem or create something out of the ordinary. Our minds usually follow the same pattern of thinking, and it takes a great amount of self reflection and perspective in order to break out of that pattern. Similarly, our life follows a pattern or routine that gives us a sense of security and stability. However, redundant thinking patterns and mundane routines can suck the vivaciousness and spontaneity of life. How can we experience life to the fullest if we don’t ever shift out of our comfort zone? Phrases such as “seize the moment” or “think the unthinkable” have been said to remind us that passing the days mindlessly and going through the motions is not really living.
The essence of our life is to feel alive and have conscious awareness. What can we do right now to feel life and its active presence around us? Simply, stop and smell the flowers in your garden. Stand with your eyes closed under the sun and feel its warmth, or feel the droplets of rain against your skin. The easiest way to connect to your own life is to first connect with nature around you. It doesn’t have to stop here. Make a trip to somewhere you have never been before where you can explore, discover and perhaps relish in a different culture and or cuisine. Immerse yourself in something new whether you are discovering a new place, culture, or learning a new hobby.
It was Mother’s Day morning and I sat alone on the kitchen table eating the healthy pancakes I had prepared for myself. I watched the rain falling, forcibly slanted by the strong wind pushing against it’s drops, hitting the hard stone patio. I thought about how the beautiful, green and lush landscape, nourished by the rain, was not just my backyard, it was the earth, the greatest mother I know. Negative thoughts about how my kids did not come rushing with breakfast in bed for me, their mother; about how my oldest argued that no special recognition was needed today, it was just another commercial holiday, and no one seemed to remember the day of their births except for me. The choking sensation I felt in my throat and the dew in my eyes from my son’s words soon dissipated as I gazed outside my window, hearing the soft thudding of rain, smelling the freshness of soil, and embracing the joy of the moment.
This beautiful land, the earth, is and was and will always be mother. Like my children, the children of the earth enjoy thanklessly the fruits they have borne from their mother. Many abuse the earth, destroying its beauty and natural resources for selfish gain. Yet, a mother’s love remains unaffected and in abundance. Mother Earth is our source of life from whom we receive oxygen, water, and the food she provides. We continue to take and give so little in return to sustain our miraculous planet, which functions in precise ways of sustaining us. Are we doing enough to sustain Mother Earth? How many children does it take to care for one mother?
Mother Earth does not wallow in self pity, her immense love and generosity out spans any she could ever receive from her many children. That is what is meant by being a mother. We are love. We give without any expectation of receiving anything in return. I am mother, like the earth.
New parents often say they wish kids came with a manual. Truthfully, I wish there was a manual for Brown parents. Imagine a book that outlined how to balance old world cultural values with a new age perspective? How do I keep the goodness of Indian values that make our culture sweet and savory, whilst extracting the bitter and sour of its many backward cultural practices? The daunting task of being a Brown mom who herself was torn growing up between her parents deep rooted traditions and her Western surroundings to now figure out where she should draw the lines for her kids is the predicament so many of us face. I’m stuck in the middle of the generation that raised me to believe the ways of the old country, and the generation of my children, American born Desis. I was born in India, and immigrated to the United States at the tender age of 4, when my parents decided to settle permanently in New York. The youngest of 3, I was taught to always respect my elders, truthfully more than that, we were taught to fear our elders. Our parents were the authority, and we had no power to challenge the decisions they made for us. We were led to believe that they knew what was best for us, and to oppose them was to reject their love, and to dishonor all they had sacrificed for us. I carried the guilt of what I wanted if it contradicted what my parents wanted for me. I fought a constant battle between choosing myself, or choosing them and what their community approved of.
Needless to say, there was no autonomy, privacy, and or relations with the opposite sex. None of those things were a part of my growing up. Once I had entered my 20’s I was suddenly expected by my parents to function like an adult, but had no practice in doing so. Even then, the reigns that held me back were only released in terms of my education or career, but in aspects of sexual relations that was still a taboo. I was not ready to leave this shell of conservative Indian upbringing long into my marriage, and now the transition to being a parent myself is even harder. What have I learned about being a good parent from my parents? And what have I learned about who I really am, how do I be a better parent for my kids?
This is the dilemma for parents like myself who are stuck between the generations. It has been a difficult road finding myself, now that I am a full grown adult in my 40’s and am in the position where my parents were 20 years before me. I had learned the habit of always pleasing my parents, so I became a people pleaser, a habit that is difficult to unlearn once it is a part of your childhood. Should my kids try to please me for acceptance and love? Should they fear me because I am their elder? Do I want to pressure my kids to always get A’s? Would I stop my daughter or son from dating? The answer is of course no. Yet, it’s not so simple. By saying “yes” to everything my parents said “No” to me while growing up, is also not the right way of raising my kids. Striking the right balance between how I was raised and how I want to raise my kids is the greatest challenge of all. And I thought I was doing a good job, until my kids grew up and developed a voice of their own.
According to my 15 year old son, he doesn’t value the freedoms he has (that I did not have at his age) because according to him those are not privileges, but his right as an individual. Although I don’t disagree with him, the voice in the back of my head says, you have it easier than I did and you should be grateful. I cringe at the thought that if my parents heard the foul language my son sometimes says to me, they would say that I was too lenient, and didn’t teach my son to respect his elders. I would be a failure once again, both in the eyes of my parents, and my son. There is no winning for my generation. I am not my parents, but I also can’t be everything my kids want me to be, and for good reason. In the backdrop of drug and alcohol abuse and bullying on social media, how can I steer my kids away from the danger of these in their peer group, while simultaneously not limiting their freedoms. Juggling what they think is right, and what I think is right, compared to what my parents thought was right is the balancing act played by Brown parents today.
I am a Gen X parent, struggling to be the best parent I can be. And all I know is that parenting like growing up is ever changing and evolving. All we can do is share with our kids the sweet and the savory, the beauty and the grace, the passion and richness of our heritage, while releasing them from the hypocrisy and double standards of my Desi culture. My parenting in essence is a stew of mixed culture that stems from the combination of Indian and American values, my perspective and beliefs, and the example I set for them through my actions. What they keep of my parenting and what they discard is their choice, their journey, their world.
Krishma Arora
September 2018
Hidden Pearls await discovery their flesh gleams white and pure Locked in an oyster’s hardened shell How long must they endure? A slice of ...
